How To Not Die During Thanksgiving


Caylin Ziemelis, Editor in Chief

Well, fellow Konawaena students,  it’s that time of year again. Time to stuff our faces with over-cooked dry turkey and Costco apple pie, surrounded by our loved ones who will ask over and over again when we will get a job. Thanksgiving is actually World War 3 painted as “family time.” So, here are some tips on how to not die during Thanksgiving.  


First off, setting the table is the first hazard. It’s been a busy afternoon of cooking for your mom, hours of prep time have gone into this meal. Hundreds of dollars have been spent at Safeway. So,  when your mom asks you to set the table, this isn’t a rhetorical question. You better stop watching Netflix at once and jump up and help because if you don’t your mom just might end up stabbing you with a butter knife.

The second hazard of the night is whether you will end up at the kids table or not. The pros of the kids table is that you can scroll through Instagram the whole time and like Becky’s picture of her enjoying Cabo with her rich boyfriend. The cons are that the little kids will probably ask you if they can play on your phone, if you can drive or if you have a boyfriend. Then you have to explain that you don’t have a boyfriend yet because you’re crushing on Becky’s rich boyfriend who is completely out of your league.

Third hazard of Thanksgiving is when your grandma and grandpa asks you how you’re doing in school. Suddenly, your face turns white and your palms get sweaty. You could tell them the truth, of course, that your grades are below average because you watch way too many hours of Netflix, or you’ve been skipping class with your friends. Or you could tell them that you failed the test because you didn’t study and Becky’s boyfriend was texting you. But you love your grandparents, so you laugh a little breathless cough and say that school is fine. Your sister raises her eyebrows at you while taking a sip of sparkling apple cider.

Fourth hazard of Thanksgiving is the dessert. We all love apple and pumpkin pie with whipped cream on top because it’s a national tradition, but this process is also riddled with social land mines. Like for instance how much pie you want to give your Auntie Linda  knowing that she loves pie, but she’s also on a diet and you don’t want to offend her. Another problem is which sibling gets to spray the can of whipped cream in their mouths. Should the first born have the first honor? Or should the littlest annoying one take the privilege? You both fight it out until one of you is unconscious.

Finally, the night is over, you’re stuffed and everyone is laughing. Congratulations! You survived another year. But in all honesty, enjoy the time with your family and savor it. Coming together is one of the best things about the holidays, because you never know who will die next.  

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